"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're doing something." - Neil GaimanSeasons, semesters, holidays, years, months, days, birthdays -- all tools we have instituted into society in order to keep track of time. And I love them.
I'm a hugely nostalgic, sentimental sap, while slightly embarrassing and childish, it might be one of my favorite parts of myself because I genuinely derive so much pleasure from marking the passage of time. Whether that's through journals, pictures, blogs; I eat it up. I seek out books and songs and people that make me feel deeply because I LOVE IT. I think everyone generally enjoys, you know, feeling, duh. But to someone who doesn't, I don't know if there's a way to capture the catharsis of crying it all out to songs from the TFIOS* soundtrack. Or standing on the steps of the New York Public Library, watching the sun rise between the buildings lining fifth avenue and silently tearing up to Sara Bareilles's "Chasing the Sun."
We read Tennyson's "In Memoriam"** in my British Lit. class, which gave me all the platonic love feelings (my favorite) and all the romantic love feelings...so many feelings. It's great. I just want to live my life knowing that I've felt as deeply as I can for as much as I can? That sounds like a dumb sentence, but whatever, it's true. I always have this nagging fear that I'm not doing enough to preserve This Moment; I think that's a common thing considering the popularity of Instagram and Twitter, etc. I can stress myself out so badly about the expectation I have that I end up getting FOMO even while participating. (Especially true of nights like New Years Eve that get built up so much that it's nearly impossible for the night's reality to live up -- that pressure is unbearable. I constantly have to remind myself to chill on the expectations.) That's ridiculous and counter-productive! I have to make that stop. It's the reason I have to force myself to put the phone down during a concert, even though my Snapchat instincts are on fire because if I'm not even briefly present in that moment I'll regret it. But of course, there's balance to be found in everything. As someone who's standing on the precipice of another year in the life (and someone who puts a lot of stock in that type of thing, other birthday-worshipers and NYE resolution-makers are with me on this), I have GOALS, man. I know no one really associates the word "balance" with the age 21, specifically...but I'll do my best.
New Years is a time practically invented for reflection on the previous year and the rapid rate at which it flew by -- there's no way it went as quickly as every year has ever gone before. No way. So fast. Unbelievable. Similarly: I was such a different person a year ago! I have grown so much! So much has happened! Where has the time gone? Who will I be a year from now? Life is crazy! So on, so forth. All this reflection occurs simultaneously with an eye on the horizon and what the future could hold. This is why I love resolutions, they're how we take control and decide what we can do to make the most of this potential. I know that many resolution haters will roll their eyes and say that a day is just a day, you have the power to change at any time, stop waiting for arbitrary timelines and Live Your Best Life Today. Blah, blah, blah. Resolutions are FUN. Here are some of mine: (I filled an entire three pages of my journal with goals and hopes for how I'll grow in the next year, but I'll spare you.)
- Forgive myself
- Drink more water
- Give gifts
- Watch my posture
- Take creative projects seriously
- Put myself "out there" as often as possible
- Unabashedly live in Selfie City
- Make money, get turnt
*Birdy's "Tee Shirt" when you want to cry, though. For REAL.
**aka: "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" (aka - the motto frickin yolo)