BEDA 23: Feeeeeelings

I really like feelings.

I like sitting around, by myself, and just feeling the feelings. Sometimes in a group, too, that's cool. Feelings are great.

Even though it sucks sometimes, like when you're feeling heartbroken, like brick after brick is falling somewhere inside you, weighing you down as if a house is being built on top of your soul for your sadness to live in. (...LOL. That is terrible, isn't it? Can you tell I am tired and emotional?) It's still really fascinating--and in the word's most basic definition, awesome--that we as humans have the capability to feel such an array of feels!

It's why art exists, it's why music exists, it's why books and poetry exist.

I am feeling pretty angry at the moment, and I am about to listen to some Bon Iver because I hate myself, but I'm enjoying it.

Now I am going to go to bed early in hope that I don't sleep through my alarm again because I really seriously CANNOT MISS CLASS AGAIN TOMORROW AH

Thank you and good night.


Emma Stone? Yessa stone. I am feeling feeeeelings for her. In my pants. But also my heart. I feel like everyone has had Emma on their blog, except me. It's time I paid some damn respect.

DID I get anything done today?! I finished the first seven chapters of SS again, which is good because it is the first of three sections my poor copy of that book has been split into from many read-throughs and dumbass jerks throwing it across classrooms. Only one nap! Also, homework? That counts.

BEDA 22: Spending money so I can look good while I spend more money

I typed the post I just posted yesterday, so, it counts. I saved it without publishing, then went out and did a bunch of nerdy things with my best friend. It's all good.

Today I went clothes shopping with my mother and grandfather. Neither of them like to shop, it's much more me and my grandma's kinda thing, but she never comes. My mom and grandpa are cool to hang out with, though. They just get a bit annoyed when I go into the changing room again and come out ready to hunt for more clothes. It's not that I enjoy spending hours surrounded by far too many people and grey walls...I just like cute clothes. And boy, did I get a lot of cute clothes. It was wonderful because what would have cost a billion dollars, didn't. I freaking love sales.

I actually hate trying on clothes. Changing rooms are tiny and suffocating and why is it that clothes suck so much when being tried on? I hate that. I just like the pretty clothes that are found in between the sucky ones. I guess it's worth it every now and then. Example: the Fancy Dress.

I'm going to NYC with my school in June, so everyone's talking about the pretty dresses they're wearing for our trip to Broadway. I got a couple cute sundresses, but with our viewing of Phantom of the Opera in mind I found this gorgeous one-shouldered just-frilly-enough red dress that I am in love with. Also, five pairs of jeans because every single other pair I own have developed stupid holes in the stupid crotch area. Why the heck does that happen? Probably because my go-to stance is kinda flamingo-y.

I seriously just put my dress on again with the strapless bra and sparkly pink heels and pearl necklace just to parade around my house and stare at myself in the mirror. Ugh, I can't wait for New York now; it's just soooooooo prettyyyyyyyyyyy.

BEDA 21: Oh no, Cece's an angry feminist.

Whoa. New blogger. I...do not like this. Sigh. I'll get used to it.

Do you know what else I don't like? Misogyny. Recently every other thing I see shared on my facebook feed from guys I know is one of those "funny" pictures about women. I don't know if it's been like this for long and I just started noticing, but I have been noticing A LOT lately. Like, way too much. I've been trying to fight back on their posts, but there's really only so much I can do. I've retorted, "Wow. Fuck you." Then, like a dumbass dick, he'll just be all, "Whatd i do?" Other, much more civil times, I've tried to actual discuss the gross statements being made only to have guys shut me down with a, "If we're going to talk about equality, I won't be apart of the conversation." Um, what? I was under the impression you were actually an educated, intelligent at least kind of awesome person. I'm sorry I was mistaken. And so I delete people. Yet more and more posts show up. Pictures about "sluts" and "woman logic" and I just. don't. understand. it. How do all of these guys think they're so fucking great? What makes them believe they're such wonderful "nice guys"?! Fucking shit goddamn. How are these guys supposed to be my friends when they un-ironically use the term "friend zone" and call girls who like to have sex "whores"? What if I had a shitton of sex? I know for a fact they would judge me like crazy and call me a slut. That is not ok.

After one too many today*, I made the mistake no woman should make. I googled "woman logic." Now I'm pissed off. Pages and pages and pages of degrading generalities.

One page in particular, is incredibly long and full of bullshit subheadings like: "Understanding Female Logic- Chapter 1", "laws women live by", "an analysis for men". The last going on for an entire page!

Excerpt from "An analysis for Men ........"[sic]:

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO 

Is there someone else? 

Do you still fantasise about her? 

Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES 

Do you still love me? 

Do you ever fantasise about me? 

Do you like my hair this way?

Because simply being honest is impossible with the female race. If  you're a really nice guy, lie to the woman you're supposed to love. What a freaking great idea.

My absolute favourite part was the beginning when they listed the translations from "woman language" to "men speak". With gems such as, "I heard a noise" means: I noticed you were almost asleep, and 

"Do you love me?" means, I'm going to ask for something expensive. Yup. Totally. Spot on. 

I understand that it can be fun to make jokes about people...but this isn't funny. This is stereotypical sexism. If this is funny to you, you're an idiot. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

...And I just realized I've been listening to "No Diggity" while writing this. I like the beat. But, you know, it's about "playettes" so, I guess that's pro-women's sexuality?

*A picture of a smiling woman with the words, "I like really nice, sweet guys who compliment me and actually mean what they say, and make me feel like an amazing person. Better go date an asshole."

BEDA 18: pretty pretty pretty pretty

My English class is doing poetry right now, and while I absolutely love reading poetry (and having it read to me) I've never been very much for writing poetry. Which is why it was so strange that when I got really angry tonight, somehow that anger manifested itself into a poem while I was in the shower. It's pretty long, and angsty, and way too personal for the internet, but, I wrote a poem! I kinda like it! Cool!

Here's some pretty pictures saved on this laptop that isn't mine:

A pretty place:

I took this on a trip home from NY. Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty.

Pretty people:

Two of my personal role models.

Pretty thing:

And of course, pretty food:

International food night with the Ellis women.

BEDA 15: Paaaaaathetic. This blog is so paaaaaaaaaaatheeeeeetic.

I wrote two halves of posts yesterday, and personally I've decided to count that. Whatevs? That is such a bad attitude.

I find myself avoiding this website a lot, especially this page. (ESPECIALLY since the back space key is sticky now. So sticky that I have to push it so hard that the whole laptop shakes and bounces up and down on my bed. This is a problem because I suck at typing and spelling.) I sit here and stare off into space for ten minutes until I just do other things or type up a pathetic waste of blog space just to say that I posted.

I weigh back and forth in my brain constantly about what to post and what not to post and it's pointless because I am just wasting time. I've participated in BEDA every year since Maureen Johnson came up with it, and every year I've had posts about how much I suck at posting. Sometimes...more than one. Like, 30. (Almost very single day I bring it up, don't I?)

That's my biggest problem: I know that I am not doing something the way I want to, I see that and acknowledge it and relentlessly beat myself up about it, and yet...I don't do anything to change it. That's depressing. I'm just really lazy. And dumb. How the fuck am I ever going to be a writer?

Drinking game for my blog/life: Every time I say "lazy." Every time I say "craisins." Every time I bring up how bad I am at blogging. Every time I hit my head. Every time I fall asleep in the middle of doing a million things.

What I did manage to get done today: Grocery shopping. Made a birthday video for one of my best friends. Took pictures for photography class.

BEDA 13: Happy Friday the 13th?

The post I just posted was all typed up and ready to go last night at 10, early, and not too pathetic. Then news hit that there had been a shooting in my town.

My town is an incredibly small suburb and for this to happen here was (and frankly, anywhere. It's unbelievable the things people do)...There are no words for what it was. It was at the restaurant my family and I were just at on Easter! Literally down the street from me! Across the street from my Chipotle!...In the complex where my friends work. Nobody I know personally was hurt, but it's shocking and horrifying and the town's pretty shaken about it.

Now I'm going to sleep early and getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to go take the glorious ACT. Wish me luck? This chamomile tea is relaxing, but I still feel like I'm going to need some luck.

BEDA 12: A cutelet

I suckity suck suck at BEDA. At least, especially in the past few days. Sorry! I'll play catch up on everyone's awesome posts very soon. (Hopefully).

Today I am in the middle of practicing math problems for the ACT (because I suckity suck suck suck suuuuuuuck at math and not stressing out), trying to finish up late library books not out on my card, an annoying arguementish-type thing with stupid guy friendish-type things about feminism-type things on facebook, and the last few episodes of My Little Pony. Also falling asleep every other five minutes, daydreaming about One Direction.

This is all why today I am talking about the new OK GO music video.

My friend Abby woke me up from one of said 1D-day dreams to send me something even MORE adorable: PUPPIES!

Look at them! Those dog models are werk werk werk werk werkin' it. I kind of want everyone in the world to see the cuteness. Hey, FBI, do something useful with your time: Watch these doggy dance moves! Send them to the President! Can we all just stop fighting in the Mid-East? Because look, puppies! Doing tricks!

I'm currently mad at my dog for snarling at me when I tried to kiss her face, so, it's nice to have a (3D! IT'S 3D! I CAN'T WATCH IT IN 3D. BUT IT'S FREAKING IN 3D! PUPPIES! COME OUT OF THE YOUTUBES! IT'S LIKE A DREAM!) cute outlet. A cutelet.